feath (feath) wrote,
feath
feath

thoughts



I yelled at the cat today for the first time ever. She acted like I took a whip to her. But at least she shut up for a while.
I'd been trying to get out of the house since 8 am (yes, I was up at 6 again) to go see hubby, but every thing desided to get busy. I was still putting out fires by 10:30 when MIL and FIL went to visit hubby. I waited for them to get back. I thought, I'll make them a salad for when they get back. When they got back, MIL lists all the many things they could have eaten instead. Wasting my time? I sure did. Even if I'd pulled out the items she mentioned, she would have only pointed out other things it could have been. eh.
Thats a long walk for FIL. He's in his 80s, and getting pretty frail. It takes him a while to get to the hospital.
Hubby's had an endoscopy (little camera going down AND up various openings). He's mentioned when he purps, blood comes up. That's um, not good. (Thank you, I accept the British Understatement of the Year award on behalf...)
I'm just a little bit scared.
This is going even faster than last time.
He might actually die.
Of course, as he reminds me, he might actually die any day of the week, any week of any year. Every day is a gift.
He never did write me out the list of things I need to do when he's gone, from the last scare.
I try and keep a 'happy' face on around him, that's just the way I'm built. He sees it as not caring, so I'm not sure what to do. I'm afraid if I let the flood gates open, they wont stop. But it's very close.
I'm crying now, but I need to stop. I'll make myself sick from crying.
I feel like this is the one. Every time he gets sick, its faster and worse. I'm not sure why this one feels like it. It came on very fast. They got it under control last time with difficulty. Will they this time? I hope. But I have no answers.
I want to cry, but I don't think I should. I can cry afterwards, if I need to.
I told him he did not have my permission to die. He said only Allah has that control, which is perfectly true. I told him if he did, though, I would never speak to him again (yes, I actually told him that.) until we got to heaven, when I would bitch him out royaly. I don't think he listened to me, though.
He never does ;)


/rambling stream of conscince.

No need to reply -- LOL, my LJ is going to be filled with this crap for days. You'll get heartly sick of hearing from me and start skipping over the posts. I'll do cuts from now on, so you can scroll faster...in fact, I'll cut this one.
Tags: bleeding, health, hubby, morbid
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