whoa! i got email from middle daughter! AND a picture of gwen! whoot!
( big picture, sorry, my crappy photo editor wont make it smaller )

i was once asked who was my idol, or who i looked up to. i remember having a hard time coming up with a name, and then being told it had to be a woman (it was a woman bonding kind of thing).
i couldn't come up with a single person.
for some reason, tonight i realized there was one woman i did look up to. of all the women i know of - sports, actresses, political figures, business woman - i could only think of 1 woman who i felt was truely a hero, and worthy of being an idol.

rosa parks.

who is your idol? and why - say in comments? You can answer one or both;

Poll #1487213 Women idol
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 4

Who is your woman idol?

Who is your male idol?

so far i've found out;
cleo is having trouble.
FIL had oral surgery.
hubby is having trouble with his machine.
grandma is having a bad time.
uncle was freeking out because he couldn't get ahold of hubby, and actually showed up at the house to see if he was alive.
...and those are just the ones i was able to find out about.
the feelings continue. is it any wonder, with that many pyschic spears lobbed my way?

for the last 3 maybe 4 weeks, i've been getting psychic vibrations that something, somewhere, with someone in my family is in a bad patch. I've had these feelings since i was a teenager, so am now very framilier with how they feel and what they mean.
one of the side efects of this feeling, is the feeling that my skin is crawling. the feeling can last anywhere from a few seconds to hours - and the longer it goes on, the more uncofrotable it gets. it can get to the point of pain.
where it tells me something's wrong, somewhere, it doesnt tell me WHO. which is troublesome.
pacing sometimes help, easing the discomfort. it seems to fool my body into thinking i'm doing something about it. Sometimes, i call different members of my family, to see if everything is okay. Sometimes, i just don't realize who the person is - like when my phoopi-jan died.
until i find out who and what, the feelings come in waves - peaks and valleys. during the peaks, i get almost unrational. i've made excuses that 'ive got to go' when, technically, i dont. since the problem isn't where i'm at, it must be somewhere else (doh) and i've got to go and find it.
since my family is no longer close to me, i can't GO there, like i used to. I can't point myself in a direction and act like i'm heading there. It used to be, if i pointed myself in the right direction, the feeling would go away (its how i'd figure out who was in trouble). (any of my old readers recognize charity hornblower?) If it was the wrong direction, the feeling continued.
for weeks now, the feeling is building, and it's making me CRAZY.

Grandma called me today. She was doing pretty good - able to hold a conversation. She's gotten a picture from M, my middle child, of the new baby. I wondered what the kids b-day was, so grandma called M and asked. The info I got back was - gwyn is '3 months old'.
right.
so, my 4th grand kid was born sometime between july 8th through august 8th.
further and persistant digging got that she has brown hair with red highlights.

I've come to the conclusion I'll never hear from M again. i've come to terms with that. but I still cried at the proof of it.

Grandma also mentioned Chicago. I asked if that's where M was living now. She said No. ... now, she does have pictures of M and her husband J, while they were on their honeymoon in chicago. But - well. she was having a 'good' communications day, but that was too much for me to figure out.

And now I really need to stop thinking about it. Because it only guts me more when I do. Its over. M obviously wants to forget her past, and I'm a major componant of her past. She married into upper middle class, and her dirt poor roots are things to be burried.

then to top it off, cleo hairs off from colo and disapears for two weeks without telling me. she's posting on her LJ with me blocked out. she's grown up and deserves her privacy. this on top of M just is a bit much for me right now.

When my grampa was still alive, i used to tell him he had the best time ever to grow up. he had radio and the model T and tv; he saw the kennedy assasination and the moon landing.
today i was watching some show or other, and it flashed up a picture of Average American City, 1957 and it dawned on me... I was really lucky to get born when i did.
i had the best - i got maralyn monrow and elvis - i got color tv - i had vinal records - and the eight track - disco (okay, that ones debatable) - i got the kennedy assasination, the moon landing, vcrs, cd's, dvd's - personal computers in the home ... ffs - i saw the computer that put the first moon landing, and here's one in my damn lap - its just amazing.
kids were realativly safe, compaired to today. although it was my generation that saw the first razor blades in apples given out in halloween. it was my generation that NEEDED to invent the product saftey seals. and, it seems, it's my generation that watched the loss of fossil fuels and the rise of climate change.
i went to the movies for 5 cents. i watched the rise and fall of the beatles. my uncle went to woodstock and didn't take me (I'm STILL PISSED about that!).
and where my life has been anything but charmed, overall, i got to say - its been good.
i've still got childhood dreams to fullfill, but damn me, i got more done than i've yet to do.

2 whole hours pain free. it took sleeping on a heating pad, co-codomal and joshanda. but when the pain came back, it came back with a vengence. finger joints and hips - and I can bearly move. the heating pad really did help though. i had to borrow it from hubby.

i finally got curtains for the living room. i quite like them. a fake suede kind of stuff, in a rich blue. they look great, and they were cheap, but the best thing about them is they're lined, and i wont feel like i'm on display whenever someone walks by the place. Considering how crap i've been feeling lately, the fact i was able to get them up amazed me. The finals didn't fit though - well, one did, but the larger end of the curtian pole was too thick. so i'll have to figure out a way to A) return them or B) use them in something.
I might get another one for the bedroom. if its 'blackout' as advertised, i might be able to sleep past sunrise.

shahhe came out this morning and did that sideways bouncie thing, and vicously attacked an innocent piece of paper. She gutted it. I found several of its body parts scattered about the place.

my mom called me this morning. sounded rational, except she contridicted herself constantly. "i heard from M yesterday." to "I haven't talked to M in ages!", so umh.

shahhe has always been a 'scardy cat' - she seemed to be afraid of everything - and has the memory of an elephant. for instance, she jumps up on something that shifts under her feet - not only would she never jump up there again, but ANYTHING that would potentally shift under her feet, like the bed (where blankets sink under her weight!)
she'd 'cuddle' with you - if you picked her up and MADE her do it. the second you let go, she'd run off.
the only thing she really enjoyed was getting under the blankets with you.
its sad :(

so i got some synthetic cat facial pheromone. this stuff is sapposed to be really good at relaxing cats, making them feel safe. it can open up the social skills, where they're not anxious about everything. it can work instantly or take up to 1 month before you see a difference.

i saw a difference in just a few hours!

I was sitting on the couch and shahhe came up to me, and (very cautiously!) crept into my lap and "made bread" on my stomach! I was totally amazed! she's made bread like 3 times in her intire life - on the bed blankets. NEVER on me. AND she's never willingly sat on me. She's occationally sat next to my leg (bearly touching me, and in a position that would make a fast get away!) so this was a major break through!

i sure hope she relaxes enough to be a normal, lovey kitty!

I heard the mail drop in through my door...
a few minutes later, i went to check my email.
Nothing new! I was confused, because... I knew I got mail!

so help me!

i'm so utterly bored. and i got things i need to do, but i can't be arsed to move.

i must have slept wrong. my neck is all stiff. i can tilt it left without a problem but if i try to tilt right, it freezes up. i can feel the pull of the muscle down past my shoulder.
owies.

yes, its my birthday. today i'm a jaw dropping 51.

hubby took me to a turkish resturant. i've never had turkish cooking and discovered i quite like it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NICO!

On sep 16th i said i suspected i was a grandmother again. My mom just called, and M had called her yesterday, little Gwyn has been born. But, my mom couldn't remember what day she was born. it would be -interesting if she was born the 16th heh.
she was having a bad day, and couldn't remember hair color or weight or the day gwyn was born.

wish i could see gwyn.

edit; i talked to my mothers carer, who said she's not sure if the baby's been born or not. she can't understand what my mom's says most of the time. when talking to my mom this time, she says the baby was born 7 weeks ago. but the carer says no announcement card has arrived, and middle daughter is very formal - an announcement will be sent.

so, absolutly no clue if gwyn is born or not.

the Jasfoup picture is stunning!
I LOVE it and it's getting its own little corner wall to show case it.
Thanks leatherdykeuk!

i suspect i am a grandmother for the 4th time, now. but not heard anything via my mother. for sure, middle daughter won't tell me. it'd be an absolute riot if grandchild #4 shares my b-day.
i regreat many things from my lifetime, but middle daughters and my relationship is the thing i regreat the most.

and that reminds me, cleo, i want pictures of your three rug rats for my distressingly blank walls.

so, on aug 20th, i ordered some stuff animals from interfauna.co.uk with 'next day shipping'.
i was 5 days away from being able to get my money back.
today, bold as brass, royal post knocks on my door and hands me a box. it was the stuffed animals.
the posted date was aug 21st. it took royal mail THREE AND ONE-HALF WEEKS to get me my 'next day delivery, registered, sign for' box.
fucking a.
i wonder why interfauna never bothered to respond to my question "which carrier service did you use, and whats the tracking number", cause i could have used that info to find out what the hell royal mail had done with my box.

i just watched 'Warehouse 13' and am totally 100% hooked. There are few shows that catch my imagination like this one did - star trek the original and dark angel, are the only two that ever did, like this one. My kind of show. The second they showed the inside of the warehouse, i was like, oh yeah, this show can go ANYWHERE